The first time I dreamt about my mother.
It was about a month or so after her death. And I felt like I was going on auto-pilot. Work was hecktic. Life was hecktic. I was trying to balance. Personal. Emotional. Social.Work..etc.. We had just gotten thru the first couple weeks / month and half or so of her being gone. I had not had much “down time” to fully let everything just sink in “to the bone”.
Yes I felt her death. Yes I felt the pain. Yes I cried and questioned so much. But as is with most pain – the body tends to put a filter in place to help you cope with that bone deep pain. And that is exactly how I got thru for quit awhile. (and to be honest – there are still days that my brain puts that wall back up to help keep the emotions from over flooding my body again).
It happened a night that I had that total melt down. The night that my brain didn’t have the power to put that filter in place. The night that everything just started to set bone deep again. The questions flooded my mind. I questioned life. God. Family. People. Everything under the moon and sun. I questioned it. I doubted it. I HATED it. My husband was my rock. He did what he could. but – at last, the only thing that gave me some peace was sleep. And boy did I knock out that night. Going on little sleep to begin with. Emotionally drained. Mentally drained. PHYSICALLY drained. everything lined up and I didn’t have an ounce of oomph within me for anything. My body gave up.. gave in.. and I slept.. and that is when it happened. SHE came to me in my dream.
We where in the back seat of my car – me and my sister D. Except we where being chauffeured by an old musical friend of mine. He drove us down this old tiny brick road. Brick walls of buildings on the side. We talked and told him to make a left. Tho there where no words (think of like a silent movie). Instead he pointed and said he knew a short cut and went right down a set of stairs and ended up at the bottom of a walk way with a black gate. Me and my sister got out of the car and off he went with the car.
We where at an old town “town square” market. Fruit stands. Blankets. Baskets and goods all around. My sister went one way – and in the corner of my eye to my right i see there is a Jewelry stand and an area with old clothes and adult pj’s. So i go that way and notion that i will meet up with her and the group in a few. As i turn – I see my sis in the corner of my eye meeting up with my husband and some other family members.. and so i continue to look at the jewelery and clothes.
Lo and behold I see this adult onsie hanging in the middle of the ceiling of where i’m standing and i go look at it. What a deal it was! Just $2. I wanted to see it but there was a lady on the her cell looking at it and blocking my view and anytime i tried to go around her she would move over and stand between me and that onsie. So i went to the other side in hopes to get a closer view. As I am examining it as it hangs in the middle of the space i’m in – in the blurry background I sense an image I know. Focusing my eyes off the onsie I see a figure. Standing there. Looking directly at me. Dressed in her black clog shoes. Blue Jeans. Red shirt and Pink Jacket. Hands in her pocket. Starring. Waiting. As if trying to grab by attention. My eyes fully focus on her and I am at a loss of words. She begins to walk toward me and it hits me.. It’s her! It really is her! I run to her and grab her.. HUG her. Kiss her.. I can smell her fragrance. The softness of her skin. I push back and look at her directly in her eyes and gasp..”You’re here!” and she replies “Yes”.. I continue – “But HOW?! You died! – you LEFT us.. I seen you at the hospital..” – to which she replied “I know.. – I tried to come back – but HE wouldn’t let me. He said it was time” – I hugged her again – “but you are HERE!!! I have to find dad! They lied to us.. You are here!! You didn’t leave us! Don’t EVER EVER LEAVE US AGAIN! That was a horrible joke..” I motion to my family that i now see in the background watching me and her to come over.. they do and form a circle around her and I. One by one – everyone hugs and kisses her.. stating almost verbatim what i told her.. they step back and its me and her again..
Our conversation continued…
Her – “I tried to come back to you all Michelle. He said I couldn’t. He said it was Time. He wouldn’t let me come back.” She hugs me – the tightest hug I ever experienced. I am in tears by this point..
Me : “Who Mom?! Who wouldn’t let you? Why would they take you from us? Why would HE do that to us??! WHY!?”
Her : “It doesn’t matter anymore – he gave me now. He gave me this moment. He said that I can have this moment to tell you I am ok. To let you know that I am OKAY. I can’t stay long but this moment will be ours. You need to know that all is okay with me.. I am not mad and I don’t want you to be either.”
Again she hugged me.. Again I smelled her fragrance. I felt her soft skin. I didn’t want to let go.. I grabbed my dad and tried to keep them held on to tight.. I did not want to let go..
She grabbed my hand and squeezed it like she used to do .. and I KNEW she was going to leave me again..
I woke up.. crying.. calling for her.. calling for my family to not let her go again. But there was nothing i could do – the light engulfed her image and she was gone and I was awake.
That was the first dream I had of her.
I wasn’t sure what to think of it. She answered my questions but I still had hurt in my heart.. I still despised HIM for taking her from us..
I told my husband of the dream. He said that I needed to listen to the dream. That it was a sign. That she came to me to help me heal. I knew deep down it was – but the hurt still diluted my mind/emotions about it.
I wasn’t going to tell anyone but one thing led to another and I told my sister – then my father. Tho my mother never said who HE was – I know she meant our Creator.
I still struggle with my faith (past and present) – but deep down I know.. I believe.. there is something more. Something bigger.. Something GREATER than us. That dream was our moment. It was our “goodbye”. It was HER validation that HE does exist and that all is according to HIS plans. Not ours.
I still play the dream over and over in my mind every so often. Trying to focus on things around us.. Looking for maybe something i might have missed.. I didn’t dream of her again for awhile.
[ to be continued..]