It was the day or two after my mother passed away. I had stayed the previous night at my dads.. so it was a rough night prior.
I had to head home to shower and get a change of clothes and just freshen up and take a break from reality.
Manny was with me.
As I walked into the door of my house.. I lost it. I felt as tho the weight of the world had just been dropped on my shoulders. I felt as if the world had just turned its back on me. My heart sank. I felt as tho I MYSELF could die as well. I was confused and hurt and emotional. I missed my mother. I had so many things running through my head. Questions. Regrets. Hatred. Sadness. Anger. Fear…
Manny tried to help get me through it as much as possible.
I ran upstairs and jumped in the shower and quickly got dressed.
When i came back downstairs – Manny was tidying up the kitchen with the back window curtains open.
It was a brutally cold ugly day out. And if my memory serves me right – we had a sprinkle of snow on that brutally cold ugly april day.
I stood by the door looking out with a blank glance.. Not really looking at anything but more just blankly staring and thinking … and then – the sudden rush of questions all overcame me again.
Now – they say the cardinal is a form that passed loved ones can take to visit. It was also one of my mothers FAVORITE birds.
I live in the city – And although in my area – I have seen a few beautiful birds – Never in the 2+ years had I seen a cardinal around. Let alone as close as this…
Now as I stood by the door with these multitudes of questions forming in my head – and the tears starting to run down my cheeks and my emotions just about to consume me – something made me lift my head and look up.
There on the wire above my back porch sat a lone red cardinal. Staring DIRECTLY at me. Snow and rain coming down. It did not move. I quickly called for Manny to come over.
He watched just as I did. Then he said it.. “I think your mother has come to visit”… And the bird turned to its side with its head cocked at us and started whistling its beautiful whistle.. It was Loud. It was calming. It was BEAUTIFUL.
My emotions that where festering inside.. the anger that was just about to bubble up.. it had calmed down… and for a few moments as me and that bird stared at each-other – peace took over me.
It stood there for a few moments later.. and then flew away.
Again – battling my beliefs and own internal battles.. I didn’t want to think to much more about it.
A few weeks later – As i sat on the porch and the weather started to get better – I started thinking of her again.. and emotion once again filled me – and once again JUST as the tears started to run down my cheeks – i hear in the distance that beautiful whistle again..
Instinctively i begin to search for it – and lo and behold – she is sitting no more than 10 feet from me.. Perched on the branch of our neighbors tree that hangs over my back porch. She watched me as i watched her – and she began to whistle/sing again.. And once again – the emotions calmed within me.. She stood for a few – and flew off..
I told my sisters and dad of these occurrences.. And a few days later – D had a beautiful cardinal in her yard.
And mine had now no longer came around. It was weeks and weeks before t I would hear that whistle again.. But D.. She had her in her back yard just about every day.. (I told D that she stole her from me lol Guess Mom just felt she needed to be with her for a while) – then D had to go out of town and lo and behold – My cardinal came back!
Now I know many think its superstition or just a coincidence or our minds wanting to believe what it wants – and it might be.. But this cardinal has now become a symbol of my mother. Coincidence or not – it has always with almost no fail – shown up just when emotions where festering up. The beautiful whistle has calmed me down every time and has made me forget the anger. And for that moment that its around, I feel a sense of warmth and peace.
Still to this day – we get our cardinal signs from above. Pictures. Sounds. Whistles of a cardinal out of NOWHERE. and of course our visits.
We miss her.
I MISS HER. wholeheartedly.
Its these little things that help us get through.