Hello there dearies,
Its been awhile, yet again. I hate when I do that. I really TRY and PLAN to write much more, but then, bam! Life gets in the way and screws things up! 😉
Today has been an UP/DOWN day.. Perhaps because the weather in Chicago (where I am from for those that may not know) has been a bit gloomy the past few days. Or perhaps it has to do with the BAJILLIION AND ONE! things on my mind lately.. Or perhaps..
So first and foremost..
Yes – April 14, 2015 – was indeed my mothers 1 year death anniversary.
No – I did not write much about it. Heck – I didn’t write anything about it here actually.
Yes & No – It was/wasn’t intentional.
Basically – I spent the day with my husband and my father at my parents little cottage in Indiana. Its seriously in like boofu so I don’t get any internet or signal down there. Which – I really don’t mind and much prefer anyways. Its good to disconnect from the chaotic world of social Media. Seriously –
Is it me or is todays world just WAYYY to into social media now a days? I swear everywhere i go people are on their phones instead of interacting in the moment they are in NOW. Its like – Hey! Lets take the family to dinner and enjoy some family time! – ((goes to dinner place – Everyone sits around the table on their phones))..((Smacks hand against head)) – WTF is that?! And common people!! Its NOT JUST KIDS now-a-days.. GROWNUPS & PARENTS are the culprit now!! Everyone is sooooo wrapped up in what everyone else is doing so they can either one up em or say “SO AM I!!” and get that SOCIAL connection – YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE REAL LIVE CONNECTION!!
But alas – ((Steps off soap box)) – That is a whoooole debate I could go on and on about. I mean – I MYSELF too fall victim sometimes to it but I’ve gotten much better at setting my phone down and getting involved with my surroundings again (granted that means i completely forget to take pictures a lot of the time but I have the first hand experience through my own eyes instead of that of a lens which ill take any day of the week!)
Now where was I at.. Oh yea – Indiana – disconnected – 1 Year..
So as i said – I spent the day with my husband and dad. We had a wonderful time. I won’t lie – it was BITTERSWEET and eerily quiet at times but enjoying my dad and his goofiness and remembering my mom TOGETHER was what it was all about. We put together candy favors for an order we had – we cut down trees – mowed the lawn – burned leaves – searched and dug for Gold (aka old railroad ties for the most part lol) – and just enjoyed our time together.
There is no words that can describe how much I miss my mother.. One year has past yet it still feels like it was yesterday. Never did I imagine life without her. Never did I Imagine my future children not being able to experience their own grandmother.. Never did I imagine the pain it would cause me to not have her around.. NEVER DID I IMAGINE her absence in my life. :-/ I miss her everyday.. every minute… every second.. And tho, God has made our bodies to recoup and learn ways to heal wounds so that it can survive – The pain and missing piece of my heart will forever remain there til the day comes that I can see her again.
With that said – That day – the day before and the day after – Cardinals where EVERYWHERE!!! I was having such a difficult time the morning before – questions and tears flooded my face and mind – and BAM Not 1 but 2 BRIGHT RED CARDINALS Come flying by the window and sit on the branch closest to the house.. They stood their peering in and would have stayed longer if the pesky squirrel didn’t want to play with them and run onto their branch! lol..
THen the day OF – while we where at the cottage – As I am standing at the back door peering out into the still barren trees and the foggy lake behind the house – Memories and thoughts begin to flood my mind once again and emotions start to flair up all over and BAM – AGAIN – Not one but TWO BRIGHT RED CARDINALS come swooshing down past me and into the trees next to the house.. Perched on the top branch peering down at me only to swoosh off again due to a BLUE JAY that came swishing by to play with them..
Now on to this BLUE JAY – I got to experience a BEAUTIFUL BLUE JAY up close and personal while i was out there for the first time ever – the first encounter we where sitting at the pic-nic table and it landed on the stairs leading up to the front door – it then jumped each stair and went up to the door as if it wanted inside.. i was in awe with the beautiful vibrant colors of it so i went closer and it was as if it was asking “open this door and let me in will ya” lol.. and when it finally gave up – it flew up and away.. then i seen it (or another one) again later that day on the back porch as i watch my dad and husband cut trees down – it flew into the side tree and sat there beautifully.. and then the third encounter was when it came swooshing around in a playful mood chasing after the 2 cardinals.
I couldn’t help but smile – like seriously – the playfulness both cardinals and blue jay had was immense that i couldn’t help but laugh when the swooshed by.
I know my mom is passed away – But i full heartedly believe that we do not just dissipate into thin air – we leave energies behind and take on new forms.. Cardinals and birds have been one way my mother has eased my fears and pains – Dreams have been another form. And as much as I wish/hope and pray that my mother was still here today in her physical form – I can NOT deny each sign she sends me/us everyday that she is still with us – someway – somehow. And i wouldn’t expect any less from her.. she was a strong woman – and I will take any sign she can send our way any day until the day comes when I can ‘see’ her again! <3
And on that note – Which brings me to death and burials.
In the past few years – I have lost many loved ones .. 2 that where great impacts on my life and decisions. those 2 both died at ages that are not COMMON in death. My mother was not old by any standards. and my friend was younger than me. These events cant help but make one think about their own immortality.
Ever since I was a child – I knew I never EVER wanted to be buried in a box. It freaked me out. and this was even way before i understood the concept of burials and caskets.. And I mean – common – what child thinks like that right?! perhaps in a past life something happened to me that made me feel this way – either way I ALWAYS knew i wanted to be placed in a hole in the ground outlined in white roses.
When I was a child – I use to have these vivid dreams that would wake me up crying in my sleep. 2 of those dreams I remember VIVIDLY as I dreamt that same dream over and over and over so many times.
The one I will talk about today – dealt with my death. I dreamt that I was walking along side a river with another person (whom I never seen their face to) but i was holding their hand so had this feeling of a mother figure. As we walked along the river – i would pick up different rocks and rub them between my fingers feeling the smoothness of each and then throw them trying to skip them on the water.. We would come to a point of that walk where it LOOKED like the waters where more shallow and the persons who hand I was holding would tug at mine and gesture for me to ‘get ready’ to cross.. we would walk further and further into the water and I can remember feeling my heart begin to race as the water got closer and closer to my chin.. I would then switch to both my hands holding onto the persons one hand and trying to pull myself up out of the water – and then I remember both myself and the person i was with getting entirely submerged into the river – and loosing her grip.. I would kick and kick and kick to try and bring myself back up to the top to catch a breath – but every time a wave would come and knock me back down under.. and then i would catch a glimpse of the persons hand i was originally holding reaching out for mine but too far to grasp.. the next thing i would see was me – laying on the floor with white flowers circled around me with their roots as if they where growing from my body itself, my hands folded one over the other… And I would wake up crying.. in a panic.. usually scaring one of my siblings sleeping in the other room..
I had that dream numerous of times. (along with a few others) and as i got older – I knew I wanted to be buried just like that – no boxes. just me in a hole. in the ground. naturally.
Now a days – natural burials are hard to do. Not many areas even allow it. They drain your blood from your lifeless body and replace it with this harsh Embalming chemicals to ‘preserve’ you for viewing. Now – I don’t want anyone to think that i think this is the WRONG way – I just think for myself – its the way I DON’T WANT done. I don’t want to decompose in a box 6 feet under laying on satin inside of casket that has been vaulted under a 4 ton piece of concrete.
I’ve spoken to my husband about this already – I want as much of my internals to be used and given away to whoever needs it. do NOT pump me full of Embalming chemicals – do not place me in a casket. Dig a hole – line it with seeds of white flowers and a circle of white flowers and place me in the middle.. let me decompose naturally – with the last bits of nutrients my body can provide and give back to the earth that i came from.
If I can not be buried naturally – I want to be cremated – but first shave my head – and use it to make diamonds for each of my children. then take my ashes and plant them into a beautiful garden somewhere tropical that I can bloom over and over and over again..
It just seems – We have become so terrified of death that we worry about how we are going to preserve our bodies once we are gone.. WHY?! This body we are in now is a mere vessel for the time being. We are not the bodies that we encompass now – we are not the color of our skin – the waves of our hair – the color of our eyes – the pounds that we carry.. We are MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE – we are an energy that is UTILIZING this form in hopes to LEARN and EXPERIENCE what this world has to offer.
I just want to give back as much as me as i can once i’m ‘gone’ down to the last once of me that can. that’s all.. <3
And on that note – (cuz lord knows there are tons of topics running threw my head right now that i can type about) – Its late – and I was originally hoping to get some work done since the network was acting up today – but i may just hit the sack and wake up bright eyed bushy tail tomorrow and try and knock out everything..
either way – let me end this here..
Remember – all thoughts/ramblings are mine and mine alone (tho some people may share in my beliefs and feelings :)) – they are not written to make anyone made or sad or blue – its just my feelings. I welcome discussions around these topics but please don’t bash or downgrade anyone because you feel or believe differently. <3
Tis all.. Til next time..