Just a quick update – I am working on videos as I write this.
So make sure you find me on YouTube!
And don’t forget to Like! Comment! & Subscribe!
I’ll be adding much more soon as well – So please – Join me on this “new” endeavor.
Just a quick update – I am working on videos as I write this.
So make sure you find me on YouTube!
And don’t forget to Like! Comment! & Subscribe!
I’ll be adding much more soon as well – So please – Join me on this “new” endeavor.
It’s been a few.. I know.. Other than some wears that have been posted – I’ve lost the want to write. Life as always gets hecktic. Things come up. On top of taking care of the daily grind then I got sick.. and yea.. blah blah blah..
So – Right now – I have tons on my mind I want to write out about – so forgive me in advance if this post is abit all over the place.
First and foremost -Today was a MIND BREAKING day. Not in the way most of you may be thinking – but more of – I have come to realize that starting from GROUND ZERO in the terms of working out .. SUCKS ARSE. My arms hurts.. and I was NOT happy with my performance today.
As we all know – we are our OWN worst critics and Today – I had a Mental BREAKTHROUGH so to say. I am starting from GROUND ZERO again.. but its okay.. This time around I am determined to NOT LET ANYTHING get in my way again. I AM DETERMINED to MAKE MYSELF A PRIORITY. I am DETERMINED to NOT criticize myself for once in my life and LET things progress .. We all have to start somewhere (even if it is AGAIN!) lol
Granted as I said – I am my own worst critic and my performance was def. better than when i had first started .. but just not “up to my standards” so to say..
Because of that – I am making today my GROUND ZERO DAY..
The day I start fresh.
The FIRST day to my [better] self.
So with that – these are going to be in broken sets because – there is TONS i want to write.
I want to start with some insights about myself.. Reintroduce myself in a way that is more … whats the word.. personal.. share a bit of my background and up bringings with you. And if not FOR YOU – THEN MORE SO – FOR ME .. Somewhere to WRITE MY MEMORIES that are in my HEAD. Cuz lord KNOWS i REMEMBER ALOT OF STUFF (or as my husband says – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING AND ALL THE DUMB SH!) haha.. But more on THAT later 😉
So as you know, My name is Michelle. I was born and raised in Chicago, the youngest of 4. I come from a very diversified background. And truthfully, if asked my nationality.. I’m a straight MUTT. Mexican, Irish, German, English, Native American, etc etc etc. I even did one of those dna test that confirmed exactly that fact.. I’m a mutt with blood lines running throughout the world. (Maybe I’ll post that all up one day)
I was a complete and UTTER TOM BOY as a kid. Dirt and rocks in my pockets. Bottle caps, string and glass too. But – I had my girly side. That i tried to hide that from everyone in fear of being teased as being “girly”. (lol go figure right).
My best friends growing up where my neighbor Jr and my cousin Michael. We where INSEPARABLE!
I looked up to my siblings.. Wanted to play baseball because of my brother, who BACK THEN [key WORDS!], was a GOD in my eyes. Hell I even went as far as wanting the same CRAPPY ass ugly glasses that he had thus making my 8th grade picture one I REFUSE to EVER SHARE!
Summer time was always my favorite time of year. We went camping with EVERYONE… and I mean EVERYONE.. EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR! My families from both sides of my parents WENT. We took up almost the ENTIRE KOA camp grounds!! Tent after Tent after Tent!! Marshmallow roasting – beer cans full of rocks.. SWIMMING. SCARY STORIES. My uncle scaring us by jumping out of trees… WITH MASKS ON.. oy x_X.. (LADY WITH THE LIMP ANYONE!?) – rolling down the hills.. Being SO UNEVENLY TANNED that – my mother thought I was just COVERED in DIRT!! LMAO.. (AND GODDDDDD!!! DID I HATTTE THE SPIT WASHES!! Oh you know! Those “[lick thumb] come here” trying to rub the dirt off your face almost EVERY PARENT DID to their CHILDREN!! blah!! That still grosses me out btw!) lmao.. BUT CAMPING!! – THAT, I loved so much – i never wanted to leave. In fact – I “ran away” to the pool one time with my little green turtle friend (aka my little plastic water floater that was my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE!) when my parents where packing up to leave. Luckily a few of my aunts and uncles where there and i got to stay 2 days longer with them! ^_^ (btw 80% of the time – I got my way when i was a kid! ^_~)
I drank from a bottle up to a pretty big age (big as in i was basically a toddler with a bottle lol) It wasn’t filled with milk or anything. NO.. My mother gave us the good ol fashion DIET COKE in a bottle! I stopped drinking that bottle when I threw it out of the back window of our black van on the way to one of the said camping trips above. And dear GOD i remember that day as if it was yesterday! It was a yellow plastic bottle.. I was sitting on the bed in the back (as i said this was an old Chevy van – my father converted the back seats into a bed as we did a lot of roaming since we didn’t have alot of money for hotels 🙂 ) – back to the story – I distinctly remember putting it between the tiny space of the window that only opened up so much and LETTING IT GO.. WATCHING IT ROLL AWAY and then REALIZING, WAIT.. that was my BOTTLE!! .. SCREAMING and CRYING for my parents to turn back around to get it.. Only to find it had been CRUSHED by passing cars .. my heart was broken – and that was the LAST I ever seen of any bottle.. </3
I was a LOUD! RAMBUNCTIOUS – Willing to try anything! AND HAD TO GET MY WAY! (and if i didn’t I would TALK my way into CONVINCING the said party into AGREEING that my way was RIGHT! 😉 ) Type of kid..
I liked a lot of things MOST children of my age wouldn’t dare think to try or like..
I LOVED SARDINES.. My father jokingly teased me that i wouldn’t eat them one day while he was sitting at the table cleaning them out.. To his surprise – I ate the entire can and wanted more.. It become of my favorite snacks during summer time.
I LOVED CLAMS (not the breaded ones either!) And Muscles!!
Every year – our block had a block party.. It was THE BLOCK PARTY of CHICAGO! Seriously.. Bassi was like an uncle to me.. And everyone on our block knew each other or was FAMILY (even if it wasn’t by blood) – We would have the grills out – Jimmie would bring over clams and muscles and tons of other stuff. And again – my curiosity brought me to them cooking the little oddly looking things and wanting to try them.. And again – my father teasing that I wouldn’t eat them – only to all their surprises – me LOVING THEM..
I was a huge teachers pet. but to me – it wasn’t being a teachers pet.. It was me wanting to PROVE that I COULD DO ANYTHING.. That I COULD HANG WITH THE BEST OF THEM.. That I could be on TOP. Tho today, i can look back and say – it did come off as a teacher pet-ish.. but i wouldn’t change it if i could..
Then I met a girl named edith in gradeschool. She was a pure GENIUS if i ever saw one! She sped read everything and had a photographic memory.. but she was super quiet 🙂 I was so impressed by her I tried to teach myself to speed read and train my brain to be photographic.. (because back then I totally believed it could be learned! lmao)..
Oh man – my FIRST BEST FRIEND EVER was this girl Bertha.. We went to preschool together.. She was quiet.. but one of the coolest persons I had ever met. We hit it off instantaneously.. Hide and seek – Pretend Cooking – Dancing – we were basically inseparable..then she switched schools..
I had a mental BREAK DOWN in first grade (Mrs. Farbins class) because one day i forgot my homework and didn’t get a GOLD STAR in my GIZMO folder for that day!!! lol.. IT WAS TOTALLY HEARTBREAKING!! (don’t laugh!) I TRUELLY FELT like i let my parents down because of it :-/ lol
My parents where both HARD WORKING parents. They both had jobs.. and because of that – I got to spend a lot of time after school with my grandmother from my moms side.
She is why I KNEW so many SOAP operas as a kid.
Favorite story she use to tell me when i was older is that – When i was a baby – I would SLEEP ALL DAY – until a certain time of day – EVERY SINGLE DAY – I would wake up pointing at the tv.. Wanting to watch SESAME STREET .. (it just so happened to be the EXACT same TIME her soap was on too!!) But again, I got my way about 85% of the time ^_^ (yes i upped it by 5%!! lol)
And on the topic of my grandmother.. I was a TOTAL!!! Grandma and Papap girl!!
Don’t believe me? Just take a look at all our xmas and holiday pictures.. if my grandparents where in it – I was either directly to their side – or sitting on their lap!
Oh yes – that was me – the possessive .. “THAT’S MY GRANDMA!” or “THAT’S MY PAPAP!” child.. pushing aside ANYONE that dared TRY to take that place over me.. (plus i was totally their favorite.. ^_~ and I don’t lie! They TOLD ME SO!! So Booya! But know that, as any RESPECTABLE grandparent would do – when asked by other “non favorite” kids – they will gladly lie to you & say “all their grandkids are their favorite”) ^_~
My Papap – he tought me to crochet and always helped me with my math homework. He also taught me how to sew!! 😀
My grandmother – she taught me how to play the piano! And how to SHOP 😉 With our weekly cab rides to Milwaukee ave. and visiting my favorite of stores GOLDBLATTS! Because we would enter – I would get a dime and proceed to spend half the trip sitting in a little wooden box watching OLD WOODY WOOD PECKER movies!! Then I would find my grandmother – and she would have a “surprise” for me that I got once we checked out. (Usually SANRIO stuff… Yea – she was the ORIGINATOR of my love of all things SANRIO!)
There where days we also got to visit the wonder bread store. They use to carry these little miniature “loaf of bread” breads – packaged like the big ones and errrythang except “my size”.. – Okay so to me, in my OWN LITTLE IMAGINATION, it was like they took a GIANT bag and put it into a miniaturizer and SHRUNK IT DOWN specifically FOR ME! In Truth – it was for cheese dishes 😉 – Anyways – she ALWAYS .. ALWAYS bought me my own personal mini loaf! and I would have TEA and BREAD set up once we got back to her house ^_^
On the weekends – during the summer – My mother would wake up BRIGHT AND EARLY and surprise me with setting up my pool outside.. so that by the time I woke up – the water would be nice and warm from the sun.
I would spend the entire day in that pool with my neighbor and my cousin. We would then be greeted just in the NICK OF TIME! Right before HUNGER started to kick in, with PB&J Sammiches (yes I SAID SAMMICHES!! There was never any SAND in our SAMMICH! ^_~)
And RIGHT AFTER – my neighbors mom would bring out ICECREAM and we ATE LIKE ROYALTY atop our front STAIRS people watching and making jokes lol.
By the time night came – we would empty out the pools and everyone would be sitting outside “Shooting the bull”, music on, having fun.
OH Those where the days..
At last, I am rather tired and will have to finish this another day.. 🙂
I hope you enjoy these and have a little more insight into my beginnings.
Until next time 😉
Hello there dearies,
Its been awhile, yet again. I hate when I do that. I really TRY and PLAN to write much more, but then, bam! Life gets in the way and screws things up! 😉
Today has been an UP/DOWN day.. Perhaps because the weather in Chicago (where I am from for those that may not know) has been a bit gloomy the past few days. Or perhaps it has to do with the BAJILLIION AND ONE! things on my mind lately.. Or perhaps..
So first and foremost..
Yes – April 14, 2015 – was indeed my mothers 1 year death anniversary.
No – I did not write much about it. Heck – I didn’t write anything about it here actually.
Yes & No – It was/wasn’t intentional.
Basically – I spent the day with my husband and my father at my parents little cottage in Indiana. Its seriously in like boofu so I don’t get any internet or signal down there. Which – I really don’t mind and much prefer anyways. Its good to disconnect from the chaotic world of social Media. Seriously –
Is it me or is todays world just WAYYY to into social media now a days? I swear everywhere i go people are on their phones instead of interacting in the moment they are in NOW. Its like – Hey! Lets take the family to dinner and enjoy some family time! – ((goes to dinner place – Everyone sits around the table on their phones))..((Smacks hand against head)) – WTF is that?! And common people!! Its NOT JUST KIDS now-a-days.. GROWNUPS & PARENTS are the culprit now!! Everyone is sooooo wrapped up in what everyone else is doing so they can either one up em or say “SO AM I!!” and get that SOCIAL connection – YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE REAL LIVE CONNECTION!!
But alas – ((Steps off soap box)) – That is a whoooole debate I could go on and on about. I mean – I MYSELF too fall victim sometimes to it but I’ve gotten much better at setting my phone down and getting involved with my surroundings again (granted that means i completely forget to take pictures a lot of the time but I have the first hand experience through my own eyes instead of that of a lens which ill take any day of the week!)
Now where was I at.. Oh yea – Indiana – disconnected – 1 Year..
So as i said – I spent the day with my husband and dad. We had a wonderful time. I won’t lie – it was BITTERSWEET and eerily quiet at times but enjoying my dad and his goofiness and remembering my mom TOGETHER was what it was all about. We put together candy favors for an order we had – we cut down trees – mowed the lawn – burned leaves – searched and dug for Gold (aka old railroad ties for the most part lol) – and just enjoyed our time together.
There is no words that can describe how much I miss my mother.. One year has past yet it still feels like it was yesterday. Never did I imagine life without her. Never did I Imagine my future children not being able to experience their own grandmother.. Never did I imagine the pain it would cause me to not have her around.. NEVER DID I IMAGINE her absence in my life. :-/ I miss her everyday.. every minute… every second.. And tho, God has made our bodies to recoup and learn ways to heal wounds so that it can survive – The pain and missing piece of my heart will forever remain there til the day comes that I can see her again.
With that said – That day – the day before and the day after – Cardinals where EVERYWHERE!!! I was having such a difficult time the morning before – questions and tears flooded my face and mind – and BAM Not 1 but 2 BRIGHT RED CARDINALS Come flying by the window and sit on the branch closest to the house.. They stood their peering in and would have stayed longer if the pesky squirrel didn’t want to play with them and run onto their branch! lol..
THen the day OF – while we where at the cottage – As I am standing at the back door peering out into the still barren trees and the foggy lake behind the house – Memories and thoughts begin to flood my mind once again and emotions start to flair up all over and BAM – AGAIN – Not one but TWO BRIGHT RED CARDINALS come swooshing down past me and into the trees next to the house.. Perched on the top branch peering down at me only to swoosh off again due to a BLUE JAY that came swishing by to play with them..
Now on to this BLUE JAY – I got to experience a BEAUTIFUL BLUE JAY up close and personal while i was out there for the first time ever – the first encounter we where sitting at the pic-nic table and it landed on the stairs leading up to the front door – it then jumped each stair and went up to the door as if it wanted inside.. i was in awe with the beautiful vibrant colors of it so i went closer and it was as if it was asking “open this door and let me in will ya” lol.. and when it finally gave up – it flew up and away.. then i seen it (or another one) again later that day on the back porch as i watch my dad and husband cut trees down – it flew into the side tree and sat there beautifully.. and then the third encounter was when it came swooshing around in a playful mood chasing after the 2 cardinals.
I couldn’t help but smile – like seriously – the playfulness both cardinals and blue jay had was immense that i couldn’t help but laugh when the swooshed by.
I know my mom is passed away – But i full heartedly believe that we do not just dissipate into thin air – we leave energies behind and take on new forms.. Cardinals and birds have been one way my mother has eased my fears and pains – Dreams have been another form. And as much as I wish/hope and pray that my mother was still here today in her physical form – I can NOT deny each sign she sends me/us everyday that she is still with us – someway – somehow. And i wouldn’t expect any less from her.. she was a strong woman – and I will take any sign she can send our way any day until the day comes when I can ‘see’ her again! <3
And on that note – Which brings me to death and burials.
In the past few years – I have lost many loved ones .. 2 that where great impacts on my life and decisions. those 2 both died at ages that are not COMMON in death. My mother was not old by any standards. and my friend was younger than me. These events cant help but make one think about their own immortality.
Ever since I was a child – I knew I never EVER wanted to be buried in a box. It freaked me out. and this was even way before i understood the concept of burials and caskets.. And I mean – common – what child thinks like that right?! perhaps in a past life something happened to me that made me feel this way – either way I ALWAYS knew i wanted to be placed in a hole in the ground outlined in white roses.
When I was a child – I use to have these vivid dreams that would wake me up crying in my sleep. 2 of those dreams I remember VIVIDLY as I dreamt that same dream over and over and over so many times.
The one I will talk about today – dealt with my death. I dreamt that I was walking along side a river with another person (whom I never seen their face to) but i was holding their hand so had this feeling of a mother figure. As we walked along the river – i would pick up different rocks and rub them between my fingers feeling the smoothness of each and then throw them trying to skip them on the water.. We would come to a point of that walk where it LOOKED like the waters where more shallow and the persons who hand I was holding would tug at mine and gesture for me to ‘get ready’ to cross.. we would walk further and further into the water and I can remember feeling my heart begin to race as the water got closer and closer to my chin.. I would then switch to both my hands holding onto the persons one hand and trying to pull myself up out of the water – and then I remember both myself and the person i was with getting entirely submerged into the river – and loosing her grip.. I would kick and kick and kick to try and bring myself back up to the top to catch a breath – but every time a wave would come and knock me back down under.. and then i would catch a glimpse of the persons hand i was originally holding reaching out for mine but too far to grasp.. the next thing i would see was me – laying on the floor with white flowers circled around me with their roots as if they where growing from my body itself, my hands folded one over the other… And I would wake up crying.. in a panic.. usually scaring one of my siblings sleeping in the other room..
I had that dream numerous of times. (along with a few others) and as i got older – I knew I wanted to be buried just like that – no boxes. just me in a hole. in the ground. naturally.
Now a days – natural burials are hard to do. Not many areas even allow it. They drain your blood from your lifeless body and replace it with this harsh Embalming chemicals to ‘preserve’ you for viewing. Now – I don’t want anyone to think that i think this is the WRONG way – I just think for myself – its the way I DON’T WANT done. I don’t want to decompose in a box 6 feet under laying on satin inside of casket that has been vaulted under a 4 ton piece of concrete.
I’ve spoken to my husband about this already – I want as much of my internals to be used and given away to whoever needs it. do NOT pump me full of Embalming chemicals – do not place me in a casket. Dig a hole – line it with seeds of white flowers and a circle of white flowers and place me in the middle.. let me decompose naturally – with the last bits of nutrients my body can provide and give back to the earth that i came from.
If I can not be buried naturally – I want to be cremated – but first shave my head – and use it to make diamonds for each of my children. then take my ashes and plant them into a beautiful garden somewhere tropical that I can bloom over and over and over again..
It just seems – We have become so terrified of death that we worry about how we are going to preserve our bodies once we are gone.. WHY?! This body we are in now is a mere vessel for the time being. We are not the bodies that we encompass now – we are not the color of our skin – the waves of our hair – the color of our eyes – the pounds that we carry.. We are MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE – we are an energy that is UTILIZING this form in hopes to LEARN and EXPERIENCE what this world has to offer.
I just want to give back as much as me as i can once i’m ‘gone’ down to the last once of me that can. that’s all.. <3
And on that note – (cuz lord knows there are tons of topics running threw my head right now that i can type about) – Its late – and I was originally hoping to get some work done since the network was acting up today – but i may just hit the sack and wake up bright eyed bushy tail tomorrow and try and knock out everything..
either way – let me end this here..
Remember – all thoughts/ramblings are mine and mine alone (tho some people may share in my beliefs and feelings :)) – they are not written to make anyone made or sad or blue – its just my feelings. I welcome discussions around these topics but please don’t bash or downgrade anyone because you feel or believe differently. <3
Tis all.. Til next time..
Its late. I’ve realized I’ve written many posts – but never make them public. lol. So figured it was time for an update on myself.
I’ve been going thru some highs and lows. Its february. My birthday just passed and in all truth, I was not looking forward to it.
February 14th was my birthday. Yep that is valentines day. But it was also the mark of my mothers 10 month passing. Sucks that it has to fall on THAT date..
She would have called me first thing in the morning before. Sang me happy birthday and we would have went over to her house for dinner. She would have made my favorite meal and a cake.
And my gift? Something I could wear/use for work. Never failed. She always added to my work wardrobe because she knew i hated having to shop for them myself.
Not this year.
No wakeup call.
No special meal.
No moms voice.
Now don’t get me wrong. My husband went above and beyond to try and makeup for her absence.
he took me to dinner after work Friday at a beautiful new spot. I ate lobster and chicken. Even had a tres leche’s treat after. it was delish.
he bought me 3 dozen roses in red white and pink. Each bunch in different locations at different times to be found.. they where Gorgeous.
He also bought me a heart necklace with my birthstone (amethyst/purple)
He bought me a birthday cake and sang happy birthday to me.
He gave me chocolate covered strawberries that melted in your mouth.
He signed us up for Crossfit classes together. <3
If it was not for HIM, i would have been lost and just slept the entire day away.
But – still – i really really realllly missed her. 🙁
Later Saturday we went to families house out in plainfield.
I hesitated going. Truthfully, didn’t feel like going at all..
Why? Because I was feeling depressed and wasn’t confident in being able to smile when all i wanted to do was cry.
I didn’t want to feel ‘left out’ or ‘out of place’
And tho it might sound weird reading that here not knowing the true context of it.. you have to understand..
The family we visited is the family of my brother in law.. Now don’t get me wrong again – I love that side.. they are more then just extended laws to me.. and i thank god every day for bringing such a wonderful family into our lives.. however.. understanding that it is more of my sisters ‘family’ is why i felt a bit out of place..
Also – understand – My mother spoiled me for my birthday. Yes I share my bday with my oldest sister but .. My mom – she had a cake for each one of us. And lets face the facts here, I was the baby – so birthdays revolved around me.. 😉
Even when i was surrounded by hundreds of other people.. my mother ALWAYS made me feel like it was all about me. Made me feel like for one day out of the entire year – I was important and meant something to someone. It was “my day”.
I just didn’t know if i could handle being around people that day. But i went. I kept a smile on and I did my best to hold it together.
When we left – on the way home – i had a mini break down. Manny helped me thru it and I fell asleep the rest of the way.
He is my Rock. He is my BETTER half. He is what always brings me back to good and light. I owe him so much and lord knows i can take him for granted at times. He is my EVERYTHING.
I love him “TO THE MOON AND BACK” (we totally have been saying that saying wayyy before it was “POPULAR” btw..) To infinity and beyond.. Forever and Always – For all eternity and after!
Anyways, moving on.
Today i had a release. We finished about 12:05 at night.
I am a bit irked today however.
Not from work but because I was expecting a package today that says it was delivered and went “missing”.
Now I’ve been home ALL DAY. The package says it was delivered at 5:40 pm.
Ughz.. I was soooo looking forward to that package today to 🙁 It was the cooooolest onsie ever being delivered that I won from one of the coolest onsie producers around. I am utterly heart broken.
I’ve called ups already and filed a claim and they are starting an investigation.
Its an effen shame… but on that note – we will be taking extra precautionary steps now as well to keep an eye on my mail because i’m sick of people stealing my shhhhhh..
I’m done for the night.
It’s late and i have work manana. so let me end this here.
Totally lost track of time today.. its just flown by.. had a million and one things I planned on doing.. did 1. Im not saying it was a bad day, all in all it went well, but im just a bit disappointed that I lost track of time and that its already night time..
I tell ya – these winter months are a bit of a vibe killer. And im so done with this dry skin.. I swear I put lotion on my hands and arms about 100x a day.. hopefully ill finish this dang scarf I started friday (?) – and then hit the sack. Luckily I am working from home tomorrow so can sleep in a bit and not have to worry about traveling in that frigid cold!
I know its a new year and I have some items I want to write about and had hoped I would have time over the holiday season, however, I unfortunately got really sick and was stuck in bed for a week and a half. Barely made it threw the xmas season but, I promise soon ill post up some items.
Also thanks to my sister D, I’ve picked up a new hobby 😉 (I know I know – did I really need another one?) Lol – im a beginner knitter.
(And i’m rekindling my love with crocheting as well lol thus the crochet hooks..)
Ive made only scarfs thus far but I have some glove patterns I want to try my hands at next.
Ok, so I need to wrap this up.. im falling asleep and my thoughts aren’t exactly organized so im a bit all over the place.
I hope everyone is doing good and has started the new 2015 year out on a good foot.
♥ til next time,